so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
