I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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