Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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