I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
