Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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