I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
