My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
