she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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