How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
