Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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