I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
