It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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