he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
