They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
