You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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