Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
