I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize