I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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