If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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