I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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