I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
