So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
