OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
