so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
