nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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