I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
