Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
