My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
