we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
