Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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