I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize