Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
