I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
