Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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