I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
