I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
