why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
