my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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