I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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