Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
