Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
