how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
