peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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