he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
