I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she pinky promised me she was 18
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
NoShamevember. You game?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
