It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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