no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
