Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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