the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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