you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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