can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
