Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
