I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize