I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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