I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
