If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
