I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
