He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How naked do you want me to be?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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