I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
