Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
