Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
