my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
