I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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