Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
