is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
